343. - Joe Mande

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. Chris Black on the Zoom mic recorder. How are you, Chief? How am I? I'm feeling a little... A little schwitzy, a little hot. I just got out of the sauna. I did take a cold shower where I kind of sat down in the shower and really let the rain fall down and wash away everything. But I'm still kind of sweaty and it happens a lot. You have to take a really long cold shower to get all the demons out. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I'm not a big cold shower guy. I just can't handle it. In a situation like that, what would you call me, typically, if I were to proclaim something like that? You would say that's because you're... Bitch made. B-word made? I'm bitch made in this case. I am finally the bitch made one for one time in this relationship. I did, though, when I went to the luxurious Paws Studios in West Hollywood for a sauna... I did take a cold shower there because it was such an inviting space, but I didn't pony up for the cold plunge, which was in the same room. We talked about this place before, right? This is like a dog grooming situation? You get it on the cheap? No, no, no. This is not cheap. Unfortunately, it's very nice, actually. How is Paws spelled again? Oh, I'm sorry. P-A-U-S-E. Okay, never mind. It's what you tend to say if I say I like another man's outfit. You know what I mean? You kind of respond with that. You know how to spell it, Jason. No, no, no. Don't put those dirty paws in my mouth, Chris. That is not something I've ever said. And the voice of a friend of the show, Lil Scrappy, when he's talking about fighting, Lil Scrappy would say, don't make me put the paws on you.

Lil Scrappy said, I'm going to put the pause on him. Okay, yes. Lil Scrappy on Instagram, it's very confusing, but his name is now Big Scrappy. And for the SEO, you should note that Scrappy is spelled with the dollar sign, symbol, and not a traditional S. He's a great member of the Love and Hip Hop Atlanta cast. That's where this kind of phrase came from. What's his best song in your mind? I think he's only got one. uh that we all know and i couldn't tell you off the top of my head right most people now know him from love and hip-hop but he's of course known for some cut no that's not his big song i mean he was i mean he was a little john guy yeah what it is yo what's up oh what it is no the song's called some cut What it is, yo, what's up, Kenneth? A person like me gets some cut. What do you think cut means, Jason? Does he mean like a haircut? Does he want to cut in line? Chris, are you asking this question in earnest, or is this a hypothetical improv? No, I'm asking it in earnest. I just want you to kind of translate this for me, because I don't know exactly what scrappy means. You're not able to code switch the way that I am as a DJ. No, I'm not. Well, cut is a... It is a slang term for the female reproductive organs. He would like to get some sexual intercourse from a female. Little Scrappy, or as he would be called now, Big Scrappy, would like... To get his hands on a nice piece of pussy is kind of what it comes down to. Okay, okay, wow. That's too vulgar for my young ears, as you know. I don't like that kind of music. He also had a song called Head Bussa. And that is talking about taking care of business in the streets as far as hurting someone. That is more of a song that's about kind of knocking haters out. Okay, that is something I can relate to a little more. Well, I mean, I'm talking about... In real life, not in your lucid dream state. Okay, so you mean I would have to... Where somebody... I would have to assault a hater, is what you're saying. Yes, yes, yes. I'm glad you're a little bit sweaty, because the weather in LA is not really giving today. It was giving cloud, but now it's starting to give. It's breaking through. We had a nice...

We had a nice Lincoln build with friend of the show, Jacob Gallagher, at SVB last night where he was wearing a twisted outfit. SVB, of course, San Vicente bungalows for our listeners who are uninitiated. He was wearing a special garment. We saw him. It was like a short-sleeved button-up, kind of patterned, very loud patterned shirt. It could be something that Goldblum would wear from the Prada collection. It was kind of a geometric pattern, thick lines. I believe there were tones of creamsicle, peach, off-white. No, the color palette was beautiful. It felt very New Yorker in L.A. The bottom, yeah, it had like a, you know, if... If ALD had money and taste and things like that, it was kind of the vibe. Like, good fellas, I got a toothpick. Hey, I'm walking over here. Hey, I'm walking over here. I'm walking in my fucking clogs over here. He's wearing his best YSL shirt that you would play stickball in and then kind of repair the carburetor in the driveway. It wasn't YSL, though. That's the trick. It was a YSL. It was a YSL fabric recontextualized by Bodine. I believe he said it was bed sheets. Yeah, I think it was. It was like YSL sheets. I don't know if YSL makes... Do the YSL curtains match the drapes is what I want to know, Jacob. What you got down there? He was a sustainable shorty. So this motherfucker is so hashtag menswear. He went and somewhere acquired... No, no, no. Yves Saint Laurent bed sheeting. Vintage, hopefully new old stock. Tag still on it from... You know, Bed Bath & Beyond, wherever they would sell those back in 73. Took them to Emily Bodie and said, turn this into a Bodie shirt and then embroider the YSL logo onto it, which is technically illegal. I don't think that's what happened. I just think it's interesting that a white woman is able to bootleg. And charged $500, but on Canal Street, I don't know. That's a whole other podcast, though. What do you think happened, Chris? What's the tale of the tape? I think he walked into the store and bought it is probably what happened, kind of as is. I don't think he has – he's busy writing so much that he doesn't have –

Between collecting IPA glasses from breweries and typing his stories for the esteemed Wall Street Journal newspaper, he doesn't have time to buy vintage sheets. Yeah, but you know how hashtag menswear people are, you being one of them. You worms find the time. You don't have the time. You guys are so busy doing all this stuff, going to different retail stores and touching things. and writing blogs and all this stuff. It's very time-consuming, but you still find a way to find these bespoke garments because it really is a war. It's an arms race, babe. I hate to lie to you, but he's going to have a one-of-one garment, and he's going to shit on everyone. In the words of Fall Out Boy, this ain't a scene. This is a goddamn arms race, Jason. I'm glad you brought that up. I did. I tried to do it in kind of an understated, cool, and slick way, and then you kind of took it and then just said the whole thing. I'll edit that out anyway. If you thought that. If you thought that was cool and slick, then I'm glad that I was able to kind of show you another side. How to do it kind of in a ham-fisted, layperson bumbling way. Yeah, I'm a layperson. We know, Chris. It's all good. Nice to see him on the streets. It was a good dinner, and I was happy because now that you're a newly minted member of the San Vicente Bungalows, I knew that I will be spending a lot more time there. Let's say you meet a new chick or a new fella or a new person, and maybe they have a kid, and this is a badass little kid. And you're like, well, I'm going to be stuck with this BM or BD or BP, not just oil. That's a baby person. That's when you're a person who has a baby. And you're like, you know what? I hate this kid. This kid hates me. We might as well make amends and get along. I might as well familiarize myself with the menu at SVB. And learn to love it because otherwise I just won't want to go and I'm going to be going. So before it was like if the Sunset Tower had no celebrities and even worse food.

But it's starting to come around a little bit. I had a nice time last time. I'm glad to hear that because it's a normal restaurant with good service. There's nothing normal about that restaurant, Chris, and you know it. The food does come pretty fast. No, it's a normal restaurant. Nobody's trying to explain anything to me. No one's fucking telling me we do it differently around here. You look at a menu, you order what you want off the menu, and that food is delivered to your table in a tight timeline, and you eat it. That's what I'm looking for. I don't want anybody to explain anything to me. I don't want anything to have to be broken down. It's refreshing. You want a nice, simple American meal. I mean, you can get that at McDonald's, but the thing that we haven't talked about is that doesn't mean that the food is good. Because it's words that you understand and it comes out in a time that you like does not mean that. the food will be something that you want to shovel into that quinoa hole of yours. In this case, it's perfectly fine for me. I wouldn't even use a bathroom in McDonald's, but that's a different podcast. We do have a guest today. Oh, the intro's already over. Time flies when you're selling Nissans, doesn't it? God, it's crazy, man. Thanks to the all-new Nissan. We have to cut three minutes out of the intro because Jason's late from his saw name. I won't get into our SD card drama. That's in the Patreon. Joe's here. Joe, could you hold on for one second? We're just finishing up the intro. You're a rock star. You're a sweetheart. Joe, you're a rock star. Thanks for being on time, Joe. but you probably know his work from the quote-unquote comedy world. He worked on Parks and Recreation, one of our absolute classics at How Long Gone, The Kroll Show, Master of None, The Disaster Artist, et cetera, et cetera. He's also in HBO's Hacks. Oh, baby. Playing a great character on there. Spoiler alert, episode two, there's a heartfelt hug and a bond. Over a death. So let's give Joe a Zoom. I think he also likes basketball and podcasts. So we'll give him a Zoom. Not basketball. We're not going to talk about that. All right, let's bang his line. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke. I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need a fucking...

Something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. And, I mean, it... How it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs. handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive, and that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. So when life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app using promo code how long taskers book up faster, especially for same day tasks. So book trusted home help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code how long with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's trying to slow down. The news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world. And I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions. A lot of questions. But how often? Because we do this podcast three times a week and that's a sweet spot. How many times do they do? Three times a week. And I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do. That's just a guess. The Guardian is not some billionaire owned. They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in what journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcast. You can watch it on YouTube. It's three times a week. And who couldn't use more news? Especially when it's not from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince.

Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable, and they're just easy, but still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated. but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts. Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. Joe, what's going on? Are you in L.A., big dog? I'm in L.A. I'm in Silver Lake, if you can believe it. Yeah, that's crazy, but I can believe it. Yeah. You hitting by radio this afternoon or Doc Martens? Where are you going? Yeah, I'm going to go to. Wild Fox and just hang out. Of all the places to name, Chris. Tap in with the neighbors. We went Doc Martens and Byredo. Well, there's a Lululemon over there now as well, if you're looking for some shorts. Are you like a Silver Lake lifer, Joe? Because you've probably been there for a long time, right? Well, I guess so. I've been here for a while, yeah. Or I've bounced around the east side a bit. Los Feliz, then Echo Park, and finally, yeah, I've landed in Silver Lake right near.

The Junction. The Junction. The Junk. We call it the Junkyard, yeah. Okay, so first of all, when Sweetgreen touched down, that probably rocked your little world. And then Erewhon coming through. Just walk me through what that week was like for you when Erewhon opened in your neighborhood. Yeah, really, it changed everything. Somebody pinch me. yeah no it's just like oh what this what this neighborhood needed was like another place to um spend $130 on four items. Joe, don't act like you're hurting for cash, okay? I don't like when people come on here and play poor. You're living in a high-income neighborhood. You have a SAG card. You can afford bottled water. You're right. I don't even have to pay. I just swipe my SAG card through the reader. They let you on through? Exactly. Chris, do you want to tell the story of how this podcast came to be, this particular episode, not our entire podcast? I would love to. People think because I don't do the editing and Jason's a technical wizard and such a funny guy, they think I don't do anything. That's kind of the vibe. I'm merely the talent. Even though I'm the tour manager, I'm kind of taking care of business. I think you are also on Molly Lambert's podcast. I am, yeah. I play Frank Sinatra Jr. Okay, so I play Billy Idol and Jason plays Charlie Sheen. Oh, damn. Three comedy grades, three perfect castings. Exactly. I got a lot of good feedback on my Billy Idol, actually, which I was not feeling confident about, so I want to thank all the fans for that. But I was so... So there was an email sent out by Molly, I believe, about some sort of gathering or something, and she didn't BCC everyone on it. You remember the email, don't you, Joe? I do. It's a classic Hollywood mistake. I took Molly's error into my own hands and pulled your email address from the pile and then contacted you directly about doing this podcast, and you agreed. Yeah. You want to talk about a mitzvah. Did you feel like that was intrusive? Did I need to ask consent? No.

I don't want to put myself at risk of... But everyone's email is just their name at Gmail. So, yeah, mine was pretty easy. Sometimes I think people just guess and get it right. Yeah, yeah, okay. But I felt like I was really an enterprising young man kind of making that happen. I love it. That kind of scrappy stuff is how you move up in the ranks over here. Keep it up, kid. I started in the mail room at how long gone, and now I'm a co-host. done to turn this organization around yeah i mean i am so proud of him i can't read i can't wait to read the oral history of how long gone yeah well you you you said that you have an email that is easy to figure out and you may have just received you know shot in the dark unsolicited message for something is have you ever said yes to that or is it normally just like something terrible that you would never want to do? I had to tell Cameo that I would never join their platform because I would get like so many unsolicited emails and DMs from people there. Really? You know what's funny about that? Are you familiar with Ramona Singer, Real Housewives of New York? Not really, but I'll... I mean, I'm sure I know of her. Well, it's just her daughter who's on the show, who's been on the show her whole life, is a recruiter at Cameo. So people have been like, I kind of agreed to it because it was Ramona's daughter, and I just felt a little different pressure. Nefarious, yeah. I'm into that kind of stuff. So you were a hot item. You were in the crosshairs of Cameo, and what do you think it was about you other than just... You've been on TV a bunch and people just want any slip? I think they're just going for numbers. Yeah, they're casting a wide net. They were like, we're getting a lot of requests for you. And I was like, I want proof of that. There's no way. Send me the spreadsheet. I mean, it's possible. I mean, because Chris and I have had requests, maybe since we started doing this podcast a couple years ago, maybe a dozen people.

have requested them in private. Right. So, you know, it's kind of believable. We've never charged anyone money for it. The thought of doing that. Well, I will say that, like, yeah, I've had a couple of friends request videos of me in character for things that I'll do that I'm like, oh, I should get paid for this, but I'm just doing this as, like... In character? Okay. Yeah. Which character is the most requested, if you don't mind me asking? Well, I was in 13 episodes of Modern... family uh as a character named ben oh yeah julie bowen's assistant and then man during during quarantine so i got i got real yeah real heavy on on watching that show my girlfriend and i just locked in yeah yeah really i mean it's not not a bad thing no no not at all it is the thing out of everything that like if i'm if i'm going through like tsa in like st louis or something but you know that's the thing that people will be like oh are you you know that and i i feel like When I die, if I make the Emmy in memoriam, it'll be, like, a clip of me on Modern Family, like, sneezing glitter or something. A lot of physical comedy. I was performing on that show, yeah. I'm a big Julie Bowen fan, actually. I feel like she's underrated. I had to, like, kind of keep my shit together when I first started working there because, like, you know, I'm a huge Sandler head and, you know. Played a big part in Happy Gilmore, so I was just trying to... So you had to kind of keep your trap shut day one, too, during orientation. It was like when I met Emily Ratajkowski for the first time. Same kind of vibe. Just keep it cool. She's a human just like everyone else, you know? Yeah, I saw her at Baller Hardware once and had to just act like I was really interested in batteries. I was just so aware. of how, like, I didn't want to be the guy staring at her, you know, on a hardware store. To be fair, she probably wasn't wearing, like, a shirt, you know what I mean? So it wasn't really up to you. I would have offered to pay for her key making. Yeah, no, and then I can just take one, too, you know, if you're out at town, you get locked out, I don't know. I've seen you, I've seen you with that big dog. I'm sure somebody needs to, like, feed the dog. The big dog was also in the hardware store, so. You know, actually, I had a moment like that, uh,

Yesterday at Whole Foods in Glendale. You've been to that one before, right, Joe? And I saw Maren there checking out. Wait, you saw John Mare, friend of the show? No, no, no. Maren. Mark Maren, podcaster. Oh, I'm sorry. I got too excited. I apologize. Much less exciting. So Mark Maren was buying some Intelligentsia beans. What was in his cart? Well, that was the thing. I walked in and I was going to go turn in my milk jug. for my California recycling redemption value of $2 cash. I don't do it for the money, of course. I didn't know about it. I'm learning something. Joe, I hope you've listened to this podcast before because there's a reoccurring theme of Jason being cheap, and he just hammered that home with this $2 he made on his... The reoccurring theme of Jason being sustainable. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I apologize. I apologize. And you have to go to the front desk counter at Whole Foods right when you walk in, and then you hand it to them, they give you money, whatever. And Maren was right at the very first register, right when you walk in. And so we kind of had to notice each other. And I've seen him over the years all over town. We live in the same neighborhood and we've never spoken to each other. He kind of knows that I know who he is, but he doesn't. He puts out a vibe of like this fucking guy again kind of thing. I didn't want to get spotted by him, so I hid. Don't forget what he was wearing, though, because seeing Marc Maron in his hiking clothes is jarring. Oh, you don't want to interact with anyone if they're post-hike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in a different zone. That's true. I can't imagine seeing him in non-jeans. It just feels insane. It feels like a netherworld. I mean, seeing Marin in shorts, it just felt wrong. And I believe they were orange. Oh, yeah. It was tough. I'm not under oath, but I think they were orange, yeah. So, Joe, you know, it's funny. I was looking, you know, we always do some research. Well, not always, but sometimes. And I already knew who you were, and we both knew who you were, so it's not like we had to, you know, we weren't discovering you for the first time, but I went back and listened to an old podcast that you did with...

pete holmes it was like uh-huh you've done a zillion podcasts over the years but this was like this was like 10 years ago that was a while ago yeah yeah and it was just so weird listening because i think you did another podcast with um with moshe kesher and it was like right right when quarantine started and i was like this is so not evergreen and like that era that kind of birthed so many podcasts. That was like right at the beginning. Yeah, just like everyone was out of their minds. And like our podcast also started, you know, as a result of that, in addition to, you know, probably millions of others. But like listening to that, I couldn't even hang because it was so specific to that time that we all have been trying to forget for the last two years. We're talking about, you know, people clanging pots and pans in Silver Lake every night, you know. Remember that? Like that's all we talked about. That's all we talked about. But then, You go back to the Pete Holmes one from 10 years ago, and it's kind of evergreen, but mainly you were talking about being like a Twitter rascal, an internet kind of rascal. Do you still consider yourself to be kind of up to no good and trolling people on the net, or have you kind of mellowed out with your age? I've kind of mellowed out. Yeah, like I got off Twitter a few years ago. Can I ask how you did that? Chris's life expectancy depends on it. I've shaved 10 off already, so I can't really lose much more. Do you miss it, or do you feel free? Did you see a hypnotist? I did start going to therapy, and it was such a clear source of agitation in my life. You listening, Chris? Petty grievances and stuff. You used it differently. would go after people and i would kind of respond to anyone and just like i like stirring up shit but then like i would get into it with like actual racists with like their avatars would be like an eagle with a hitler mustache you knew exactly who you're dealing with and um but then these nazi guys would like mass report me so like i would get kicked off twitter for like 24 hours you know for seven days whatever um and because like they they were just like exploiting the

the system and so i was just like this website sucks like so you're saying that you're so you're saying i just want to be clear you're against free speech is what you're kind of saying absolutely i mean that's why i like stand i like stand up because like i believe it for myself but i don't like no one else should fucking talk you know what i'm saying spoken like a true comedian thank you for that uh no but um so yeah i just like i wrote a sort of hyperbolic uh self-serving goodbye letter and got off there yeah and then like yeah and then i i paid some website like 15 just to delete all my tweets after a while because i was just like i don't need this shit out there you know yeah no that's smart so do you but you feel relief you don't feel the pull to return no no i mean like i i scratched the itch on on instagram like uh i'll i'll go i go on andrew giuliani's page frequently and just write i write post feet like Like I'm like a foot fetish guy for Andrew Giuliani. You know, I just do weird shit like that. But I'm not like actively getting into fights with people anymore. That's good. So you've replaced it sort of with Instagram stuff. You have not. dove into tiktok though i'm assuming i i love tiktok like i i don't really you like to watch you don't like to do yes i'm a i'm a voyeur for sure okay i do a thing periodically where i um i'll post uh i'm really into like police officer tiktok okay And so I will often like capture police officers posts and then post them on my Instagram. So I've sort of like a, you know, I don't know, like a tab. I have a tab of like police officer TikToks. All right. This actually, this is the first. cool thing I've heard about on TikTok, to be honest with you. Yeah. So I would love to kind of hear what's happening. Are they using it in the same way like a teen's using it, or do they have their own kind of style and approach? Absolutely. Well, there's a few different uses, right? But there is a very childish version that is sort of, it's all upsetting, but in very distinct ways. But I would say the most frequent thing is when they use and lip sync.

to like you know just like popular things and it but there's a weird thing where they often will like use the sound of like a sassy child often like a black child but they're like in full uniform and they're sort of like embodying the people that they're brutalizing which is really upsetting um they do dances like while they're on the clock which is like how are you like doing this and not getting reprimanded yeah i can't do that at wendy's how are you doing it as a police officer exactly they're dancing around with like a body cam and like the nine millimeter jiggling absolutely with like the the lights on for like uh like an aesthetic effect it's and then and then like and then there's like a lot so there's that that's like the fun side and then there's just like very sober serious side where like it's like them coming home at the end of the day and like putting their their gun in the safe and then like you know praying praying to like a blue lives matter like etsy flag you know that's like made out of wood like a live life sort of thing next to it and and like you know just like really dramatic music playing where it's just like like first responder like i do this for love of country and duty it's uh so yeah and then like you know and then you flip down and like two posts later they're they're dancing with their uh canine or whatever damn this is honestly though i all joking aside this is the coolest thing i've ever heard about on tiktok yeah it rules it really depresses me though unfortunately i don't know if i could find that much humor in it do you donate to blue lives matter causes like how did you get access to this uh no i just searched I just was curious. Is there a specific hashtag for this? There's cops at TikTok. There's also Blue Lives Matter. There's a couple that are very specific. There's one called hashtag humanize the badge, which are the funny ones where they're trying to show that they're humans. Humanize the badge! They're humans until it's time to not be humans. Exactly. Then there's actually a fun spin-off of that.

the spouses of police officer tiktok which is so funny because like it's just these women in like big pajamas like talking it's like wine o'clock and it's like you know you know but part of being a cop wife is that your husband's always working on holidays and you can't go on vacation but It's like all these jokes about drinking at 3 p.m. and stuff. So it's like, everyone's miserable. I'm drinking at 3 p.m. because I'm in constant dread that my life partner will come home in a body bag every single day. He could die or more likely he's killed someone. He could die doing the nay-nay at a bowling alley. He did the nay-nay in front of the wrong person. He caught a couple in the leg. So we're going to have some recovery time. I tried doing a merch thing and it didn't work out. You know those stickers of Calvin peeing on Chevys or Ford logos? A classic pissing Calvin. Yeah. So I made a template or I tried a beta thing of Calvin pissing and then the piss turning into a yellow stripe. that you could place over a Blue Lives Matter sticker. And so I made, like, 15 of them just as a trial. Friends and family, soft lunch. Yeah, there was, like, a guy down the street that had it, and I, like, put a couple on his car, and I've never felt, like, more scared and invigorated than putting... Yeah, yeah. I was going to say, this is... funny as hell but it's poking a bear that has a gun absolutely yeah which makes it more fun and exciting yeah and then but then there was also like there was another version too where it's like if i get caught doing it a like i get caught by a police officer and then i'm like posting like this anti-cop propaganda on a stranger's car is there something about this flag you don't like boy yeah exactly Yeah, the cops in Silver Lake just like thick southern accents. No, the cops in Silver Lake have to get all the creation cups out of the passenger seat to even kind of find their flashlight. It's not the same in LA. It's different. They might even agree with you on the low in Silver Lake. I doubt it. Okay, so Calvin is pissing, and then his piss turns into a perfect...

Way to block the blue and the blue lives matter flag. Yeah. So it's sort of like a yellow. It's a sort of yellow lives matter sort of. It covers the blue. It's like the red sticker that says wars on it. And then you put it on the stop sign and then. Exactly. It's the same sort of philosophy. Yeah. But more about piss. I think that's a great idea. There's a lot of innovation and ingenuity there. Thank you. Yeah. So I made 15 and I never explored it because it was too scary. I remember a long time ago when I first started podcasting, I made one of those Calvin pissing stickers, but he was pissing on the This American Life logo because that was the most popular podcast at the time just to kind of stir things up. Didn't go well. Love that. I mean, so yeah, we just have different opposition, but you get it. Same sort of vibe. Same urine, just different streams. Yeah. Grinding in different lanes, my man. We should join forces or play swords, however you want to. Yeah, you guys should collaborate on some stickers. That's a great idea. It's the best use of my time, for sure. Yeah, yeah. You don't have anything going on, right? Do you know about piss maxing, Joe, as a fellow member of the stream? Piss maxing? No. You should check it out. Okay. Would you care to wager what it might mean? Is it sort of like piss edging? You're holding it in? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, it's basically you just hold in your urination to make sure that your bladder is at its full maximum capacity. So it is kind of like an edging thing somewhere. I'm like, I know exactly what it is. Jason loves it. Oh, I love it. It's partly because I drink a... I drink a lot of water, and Jason has a tiny little bladder. Me too. You live that jug life? I don't have a tiny bladder, but whenever I drink too much caffeine, then it makes me pissy. Back in the days where, yeah, literally makes me pissy. In the days where we worked in person, I had a period of time where I really disliked the co-worker. It drove me crazy.

And I realized that, like, no one can get mad at you if you're, like, drinking a lot of water for health reasons. But then, like, you have to pee, like, hundreds of times a day. So, like, it gave me liberty to just, like, leave the room whenever I wanted. Because it's like, well, yeah, I have to go again. I'm drinking. I'm living the gallon life. Either that or you start smoking cigarettes, I guess. You're like, you constantly have to go on pee break. Yeah, I should have done that. Working at Universal Studios was really funny because, like, you would see. people taking smoke breaks outside, but it would be, like, guys in full Transformer uniforms. Like, on stills, they take their helmet off, there's, like, glass in a cig. Fucking another day in the coal mines over here at Universal Pictures. Exactly. Well, speaking of other fun little pranky thingies like that, you guys did, or you made a sign, or I guess sort of, like, a reinterpretation of the sign that people might... put onto their lawns in the front of their house. You know what I'm talking about, Joe? Yeah, I do. In this house, we believe. Do you recall what your sign said exactly? I made a sign that said, we believe that the legal thriller Michael Clayton starring George Clooney, Tilda Swinton. is a cinematic masterpiece and easily one of the five best films of the 21st century. I like how wordy that is. You filled the whole sign up. You didn't have a problem. Oh, yeah. You were sign-maxing. You filled the whole thing up. Yeah, I sign-maxing. I went out of my way to match the color and fonts as best I could. Yeah, really went for it. Was this a physical product that you produced? Yeah, yeah. I've sold hundreds of them on my website. My friend Nick Thorburn put his – he lives on – on a kind of heavy trafficked area of uh vermont in la so he was showing me dozens of photos from his window of people walking by stopping looking closer taking a photo of it some people laughing some people getting weirdly angry about it yeah it's wonderful yeah i think it was it was good i'm glad that you

You kind of have to choose something that is inoffensive when you're going to redo that sign, you know what I mean? Right, inoffensive, but something I can stand behind, something I actually believe in. Right, right, right, because the original is talking about... women's rights and science is real and kindness and love and black lives matter so and water is water is water something yeah uh water water is life water is life right yes yes yes uh who doesn't believe that's not a call that's not political that's not even something that's just when you start stating facts it becomes like why are you putting this in your yard we believe air is invisible i guess i guess less the stuff about water and more the stuff about Black Lives Matter, human rights. But I mean, at a certain point, yeah, it's like, it is sort of like, what's the point? It's like, it's virtue signaling or something. I don't know. There's always something that kind of bug me about it. Like, it's like, yeah, of course. But also, like, that sign, I mean, whatever. It's like, if I'm going to virtue signal, it's going to be about, you know. tilda swinton's unbelievable performance we were looking into making one because i i didn't know you had done this but i wanted to make one that said all the good stuff but also said like how long gone is the best podcast kind of like mix mix it in yeah you know what i mean right in plain sight hiding in plain sight but it feels like it feels like one of those things almost like a brand you know posting a billboard it's it's it's it's more about the one instagram photo than it is the actual billboard. Right. So I didn't, I didn't do a cost analysis on it, but I feel like it might've been, it might've been expensive. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. No, actually I get a lot of angry emails about this sign. Like I, I just like, I don't sell them out of my house. Like I, I have. people who sell them for me in Kansas. And like, I guess the shipping is often more expensive than the sign itself. Cause it comes in like a giant box. Cause it has the steel, it has like the metal things you have to stick in the grass or whatever. It looks like you bought a desk at Ikea. Yeah, exactly. And people are like, why is this shipping so expensive? Like, can you make this? And it's like, I'm not in charge of this. Like, if you want the sign, just buy it.

Shut up. I love responding. I'm not in charge of this when people are clicking on your name to buy it. Right. I guess I don't have the best customer service. I ain't got nothing to do with this. Leave me alone, brother. Literally leave me alone. Suck my dick. It does, though. Customer service is the worst part of having a small business. It really is. People complain. Shipping costs are not determined by – we don't do that. We don't make that up. You know what I mean? It's given to us. Yeah, I'm terrible at customers. I actually got demoted from my first job. I worked at a pharmacy and ended up being the delivery boy because I couldn't handle dealing with customers. There was a woman who came into this pharmacy once who – I don't know what was going on with her body, but she had atomic-grade vaginal medicine. Go on. The box on her medicine was very expensive, and it was like, if you even think about babies, if you have a thought about a baby, you can't take this product. This is like fentanyl for the pussy. Yeah, it was pussy fentanyl. this woman would like as she was getting her prescription filled i would watch her walk around the store and just steal candy right and like i would tell the pharmacist and he's like it doesn't matter like we make all the money from this pussy fentanyl like she can steal a snickers bar so you're saying she wasn't even slick with it or was she so no she was like yeah she thought she was but you could just see her stealing candy it was crazy and then one day she this is a true story she came in i was trying to return uh a bottle of Summer's Eve or some kind of douche. Okay. And I was like, absolutely not. And she's like, why not? And I was like, you know why not. It's disgusting. And then she demanded to speak to my boss because I was being rude to her. And I was like, okay, fine. And before I went to get the boss, I was like, I know you're stealing candy. No, just like we all know you're stealing candy, so you're not slick with it. And then.

After that day, I was the delivery boy, which ended up being the best job I've ever had, to be honest. I had a friend in New York who was a delivery guy at a pretty popular vegan restaurant in the aughts, and he was quite good looking. He had sex with multiple customers. Open the door. Why don't you come in for a little while with that veggie burger? I have a feeling Mandy's got a few of those situations. So did you get topped off by the lady with the Xanax prescription? Yeah. Just do the top five, Joe. We don't have to go through every single one of them. Just the top five most memorable. Yeah, well, there was a woman with multiple personalities who would order. Multiple personality pussy is some good pussy, though, Joe. Yeah. So she would, like, have different names for me when different personalities would answer the door. There were two ladies were named Estelle and Greta, I think their names were. And one was like blind. And I was like, whatever it was between the two of them, they had all five senses, but they couldn't work individually. So like you had to do everything with both of them or they like, there's no communication. To complete the circuit. It was a lot of nursing homes and scary old people, but I loved it. Okay. And fucked them all. So you know when you're ordering a little caviar, a little kismet, a little Postmates or something like that, you open up your bag. French fries feel a little loose. Maybe the driver took a couple off the top. Do you ever do that with the prescription, Joe? Be honest. Yeah, you know, I think the statute of limitations has passed. It's sort of like, well, they're not going to notice if a couple. Yeah, I could see you skirting around town in your Honda Civic going off a couple of perk 30s on your delivery route. I mean, if I had that job at a certain age, at a certain time in my life where I didn't have a ton going on and wasn't super happy. That would have been pretty dangerous for me. Oh, yeah. It was wild that they were like, okay, yeah, this erratic, unhinged 17-year-old, let's give him access to all these drugs with no supervision. That's a dream job. My first job at a dry cleaner is all I got to do was steal $20 every day and kind of like take a nap.

There was no big payoff. Every day was a new journey where you could dip into the bag. Every day was sort of an adventure. And this was pre-GPS, so I was looking at weird foldable maps to get around. Well, now that you brought that up, this has become a bit of a recurring question topic on this show. Rate and rank your top three favorite pills. Recreational use, of course. No vitamins. No supplements. No claritin. I really liked Vicodin for a while. That's right. Fastball straight down the middle. That's number one. Yeah, I wasn't really, like, a big pill guy, to be honest. I did that. Like, the real important pill of my life is Imodium. That saved me hundreds of times. So, yeah, I guess Vicodin and Imodium, that's all I need in my top two. Do you still have Imodium-like ailments going on? Do you still have kind of, like, stress or anxiety-based diarrhea? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I always have a pack on me. Okay, that's tough, man. Is it something that has always sort of maintained and been steadfast? Or do you go in waves? People say your allergies move. I've calmed as a person. I know my body now. It's not really a problem anymore. But in high school, it was a disaster. It was so bad. My doctors thought I had stomach cancer. It was just like every day, like truly bad. Yeah. And I took an experimental pill when I was a senior in high school that worked wonders. But then I had to stop taking it because my eyes started bulging out, like literally popping out of my head. So I had to stop taking it. And I was like so pissed about it because I was like, this was worse. You're like, damn, can I make this side effect work for me? Yeah, exactly. Did they tell you like your eyes might bulge or was that? No, they didn't tell me anything. And then like it was working wonders for a few days. And then I remember like waking up one morning and like literally like.

couldn't blink over my eyes like that's how far out they were i was like like struggling to blink okay so so they used they used joe mandy to find out that this drug has one side effect that makes your eyes come out of your skull yeah that was such a bummer i was so pissed i was like i thought i really thought like my life had like this is it what was what was your vibe in high school were you were you Hot guy? Were you... No. Were you a theater? Were you a Magic the Gathering kind of guy? My high school... I was a little jokester. My high school had an improv comedy team, weirdly. That's too bad. This was in Minnesota? Yeah. Very progressive for the Twin Cities, I have to say. That's a progressive place, I think. I've never been. improv stuff and just like you know i like ran for student council on a sort of like chaos ticket where all my all my posters were just like weird photoshops where it was clear like i didn't give a shit and i won that damn so you were class you were class president as well as being an improv star well the way it worked in my high school there wasn't a single president it was sort of like you get voted on to be like a part of an all a 10 person oligarchy So I was a part of this 10-person council that ran the student council. Bro, that is fucked up. I know. They really resented me because I came in day one, and I was like, I want student life, which was the one position with the least amount of responsibility. And so I did nothing, but I got to leave school because I had a card. Literally, I ran to this. this council so I had that card so I could take a shit in my own house. I didn't have to use the school facilities. You had to have a campaign manager and a full Photoshop guy to just be able to shit in peace. Worth it. Absolutely. You could not shit in my high school. I don't know how your schools were, but if anyone saw someone's feet on the toilet, you knew the...

Door was going to get kicked in. People were going to throw wet paper towels at you at best. So my life was a real nightmare up until like... You would get a full 16-ounce Mr. Pibb overturned on the head. Yeah. We actually had a surge machine. So you get like four surges poured over you. Surge was really a moment in time. I would love to... I need to look at the nutrition facts on that because I felt like it was... the name actually alluded to more caffeine than there was in it. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're right. It was like a placebo effect. They wanted it to have like a jolt like reputation, but I think it was just like bad Mountain Dew. Yeah. Great name. Yeah. Actually, I'm, I'm convinced that they were trying to get rid of the surge inventory nationwide. Just at my high school, you could buy five, five surges for a dollar. Like kids would walk into five for a dollar surges. Yeah. Yeah, for $2, you had 10 surges. Backpacks full of surges. There's so much surge going around my high school. It was out of control. That does seem nefarious, I have to say. They're losing money on that deal. So Flint still doesn't have clean water, but you guys got 10 surges for every mouth. Exactly, yeah. I'm sorry about your Imodium AD situation. Do you have any other kind of medical ailments that you've been dealing with since COVID has been going on? Not really. Standard stuff? Standard stuff. How's your back feeling? Because I know you're a big kettlebell guy. My back's fine. I run a lot. I think you guys run, right? I just did my run this morning. Yeah, I'm not doing crazy shit. I'm doing like six miles. Chris does. I'm not a marathoner. I run around a lake and come home. We need a scene report from the lake because I can't be over there. It's too much? Why not, Chris? It's too many fake exercisers. My thing is that I'm bound to run into people who don't need to... It's sort of a... I don't need them...

To have the Marc Maron in Orange Short situation for me, I just need to do this in private. Yeah, so, I mean, yeah, you are just famous enough where if you're running around the reservoir in Silver Lake, like, you're going to have multiple stop and chats. Stop and chats or, you know, like that weird eye contact where someone's, like, you can see just their brain processing, like, oh, that's the guy from Modern Family. In his orange shorts. I don't know your name, but I'm your biggest fan. I would love a cameo from you. My grandma's dying. Also, on that episode that I was listening to with you and Pete, you were talking about lucid dreaming. Yeah. And we had a guest on a couple episodes ago who was talking about... We brought it up a couple times now, but he was talking about... taking a supplement in order to stimulate his encourage it encourage and simulate not only being able to have a lucid dream where you're kind of controlling and aware of what's happening while you're dreaming it but also having the ability to kind of retain retain what you were actually dreaming about because you know it all kind of slips away yeah so quickly what what is your lucid dreaming vibe report now are you are you still kind of not doing a great job anymore or did you get the get it back i my lucid dreaming experience was so uh awful that i was like oh i don't you don't want to lucid dream i thought i did but then i guess i was just um ill prepared like i was just in a dream where i was fully aware that i was dreaming but i was i believe this the dream setting was that like i had snuck into the scientology celebrity center and then like scientists were just chasing me and as i was running i was like fully aware it was a dream and yelling at myself to wake up because i just didn't want to get chased anymore and i was like this is uh this is i don't think i'm like chill enough to a lucid dream like i'm still gonna have my normal like anxiety dreams but then i'm like not gonna be able to wake up and i'm gonna remember every part of it so you're like i know danny masterson's chasing me with a

With a machete right now. Yeah. I would like it to be over. Yeah. But I can't wake up. But I mean, do you ever have a moment where you kind of snap your fingers and you're like, oh, I am aware that I'm in a dream. So then you can control. Right. So I can like do a Inception fight with Danny Masterson. How much weed are you smoking? You know, I have like multiple vapes sort of lying around the house. I don't like, I kind of like being a little high. pick up a vape and puff, you know, just a couple times a day. But I don't like really smoke smoke much. You don't have a session, as they would say. No, I don't do that anymore, unfortunately. Yeah, I like the idea of you having multiple vapes around the house like you're... Keith Richards, and you can't, you know, you got to have a Marlboro light in every fucking room or somebody's getting fired. Oh, is that his, was that his vibe? Yeah, I just think that there's, it's a very rich person thing to do to just have multiples of something that you daddy needs. kind of strewn about the house so that you don't have to – Sure, sure. The effort to consume is minimal. You know what I mean? Make it easy for yourself. Got one in my car. Got a couple in here. Yeah, yeah. It's nice. Keep one by the bed, you know? I was gifted this Seth Rogen weed. It's very good. People say the Seth Rogen weed is – I don't smoke weed. People love the Seth Rogen products, though. It's pretty loud. It's loud stuff. It's a loud product. It is loud. I've smoked with them a couple times at parties and stuff, and it is so dangerous. You're in a group of people, and then you want to be cool, and then seven minutes go by, and you're like, I absolutely need to leave this party. I cannot. So you're saying Rogan ain't faking the funk. Rogan is on the loud. It's no joke. Yeah, the loudest. Do you think that Seth is aware of this, and he gets pleasure out of it, or do you think he feels bad because he's the guy? thousands of people at a thousand parties over the last 20 years have had to smoke weed with Seth. And then he's like, every time we smoke weed, everyone just like runs out the front door crying. And I don't talk to them for months. Like, do you think he's aware and conscious that he's like ruining everyone's brain every night? Or do you think he likes it? He's the Willie Nelson of the comedy community. Because you can't, you don't want to say no to him when he, when he passes you the, you don't want to say no, but you know, it's like,

If you're going to play a pickup game with Michael Jordan, you know what's going to happen. Yeah. You know, he's going to beat your ass. I've heard the same thing about Willie Nelson. Like, people that are experienced smokers get on the bus and have two hits, and they're like, I saw God, and I had to crawl off the bus. But it's Willie. Yeah, it's Willie. I had to do it. Because I would think of Willie as more of kind of a homegrown cat. You know what I mean? A little more mellow. Back when a dime bag costs a dime. Exactly. But I think he's actually got loud on deck. He's got the Willie Nelson zooties. Yeah, he's got the... I can't believe there hasn't been Willie Nelson Zooties yet, or Willie Nelson. There should be a funny weed collaboration with him, not just like. There has to be, right? Like, I own Willie Nelson, like, stance socks, so he must have. Man. Is that true? Yeah. So that's the kind of stuff that your PR is sending you? They're like, hey, Stance wants to give you something. What size are you? Sadly, I sought those out. I love Willie Nelson, so I was like, yes, let's do it. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. So you went to the Stance store and copped the Willys. Went on their website, dog. Bro. Are you wearing these with shorts so people can get a view or is it a little secret for you? Joe, you know this is a public podcast, right? A lot of people listen to this. I know you're married, bro, but you have a career to think about. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I got no shame. I have a lot of private socks. I don't wear them with shorts. My wife, I think for my birthday, got me a pair of... Of Betty Boop Socks, because I talk about Betty Boop so much. Betty Boop Socks? Yeah. Like a baby mama in Pacoima type shit? Like what? Betty Boop. I love the Betty Boop. For whatever reason, Betty Boop's so popular at truck stops and shit. That's right. She's a hot cartoon. What else do you need? She's a hot cartoon. Yeah, she's like proto-animate. Betty Boop could get it. Oh, yeah, no question. And your wife was like, all right. Yeah, she's in on the joke. I don't want to pry too much into your personal life, but how high do they go? I mean, they're kind of wax socks. They go up like mid.

Calf. They go up pretty high, yeah. Okay, that does sound whack. When the pandemic started, I sort of adopted a new lifestyle where I pretty much wear sweat shorts everywhere now. So we're going to see your dick print on Dumois eventually. That's all I want. That's all I want is one of those Saturday Spotted, yeah, where it's like I saw... Joe Mandy, Erewhon. I saw his dick print. I saw Joe Mandy, Erewhon, and his hog was shining in the gray. Funny man Joe Mandy. There ain't nothing funny about the hog in those gray sweats, though. That's what he said. Do you have a particular brand of sweat shorts that you endorse? I think they're alternative apparel. Oh, like the L.A. apparel ones? Yeah, I have a few pairs of those as well. Unfortunately, they are covered with different startup brands' logos that were sent to me and not just regular ones. For a sweatshirt, they're a great product. Sweatshorts are tough, guys. I like them in theory, but I don't like the material for an all-day. I don't feel comfortable in that material all day. I only feel comfortable in the material maybe in the house for a couple hours. Is that a little too thick for being out in the wild, Chris? I don't know what it is. Even with sweatpants, I have some very expensive sweatpants that I thought were a great idea at the time. I can't even wear sweatpants on the plane. I just don't like – I don't know. It feels like I'm undressed. It's not even that I think it's sloppy. I just don't personally feel comfortable. You have higher standards than the average bear. But I don't even think it's that. That's what I mean. I think I just personally feel uncomfortable, and therefore I can't sit still. Got to get you a Vicodin. basketball shorts but then i was like it turns out i'm a sweatshirt guy what can i say no because basketball short that's because you're a sandler head the basketball shorts it just can't be done no i can rock i can rock b-ball shorts all day you fucking clowns it's nothing for me what team what team basketball shorts do you have chris

Stussy. That's the only team. And I have Magic City basketball shorts and Stussy and then a champion pair as well. Okay. You don't have to support basketball to support the shorts, Jason. It's true, but I'm just saying I've never seen you wearing these anywhere. These are just inside the house? I don't know. It sounds like you're stealing valor. It kind of does, doesn't it? This is what I'm just chilling hair tied with no makeup on at the crib. I kind of like to keep it. You know what I mean? Because it's either that or some – I have a nice selection of Sleepy Jones boxer shorts that are made for hanging out. Like they're not – you could wear them under your pants, but they're more of like a lounge boxer. Okay. Do you have anything under? Do you have anything under those boxers or no? No, bro. What do you think? I'm Justin Bieber swimming? You said that like it happened during COVID where you kind of started just wearing sweatshorts all the time, um a fair reaction considering that you had no where to go and no reason to leave your house whatsoever so might as well live in comfort you got nobody to impress because there's nobody there but you know now that and i was the same way you know during covid you know i just stayed at home and ate you know cbd quinoa puffs and did whatever and you know i wasn't going out i wasn't drinking i wasn't really spending money but now that It feels like Chris and I have been going out every night. We're out every night. There's always a dinner. There's a something. Every fucking night. So has the pendulum swung in the opposite direction for you, or are you still kind of keeping it low-key at the crib? Yeah. Well, I guess it's like I'm out again, too, so I am wearing proper clothes. and stand-up i feel compelled to like wear better clothes now like there's like a new sort of philosophy with younger comics i've noticed where they like They, like, dress well, which was, like, not a concern of mine when I started doing stand-up. Can you name one? Because I've never seen a comedian that's dressed well in my entire life. So I would love to know where to look. Cat Williams, new Cat Williams special out today. Oh, okay. All right. Is there really a new Cat Williams special? Yeah, on Netflix. It just came out today. I haven't watched it yet. Okay, great. I can't wait. He's on my Mount Rushmore. Me too. So I don't have to watch it. No, I think it's less of, like, comedians are now dressing really well, and it's more of, like,

For the last 10 years, especially in the alternative comedy scene, everyone has been dressing, perhaps intentionally, just like a piece of shit dirtbag. Yeah. Well, I just look at old photos of myself when I was starting in New York, and I just dressed like absolute shit. And then I can't name names because I'm not in New York anymore, but I was told through friends that... There's a lot of shows where, like, a lot of the comics, like, a lot of their material is about how hot they are, and they have, like, step in repeats at their shows with, like, a higher photographer. Oh, hell no. Like, this whole world. I don't know who that person is, but I know what you're talking about, Joe. Like, there's, like, that Cat Cohen special where she's wearing, like... like an elaborate like ball evening gown on stage and doing yeah yeah she's got style for sure yeah and you know I guess it's obviously it's a matter of taste whether or not we think these people are dressing well but it's more of just like dressing more formally and caring about your appearance more so than like I'm a schlubby I guess it's all that's more subjective I'm not an expert I guess I guess my when I'm What I'm trying to say is that they're making an effort in a way that I never... So where do you think... You mentioned liking the films of Adam Sandler at the beginning of the pod. Sure. Notoriously known as maybe one of the worst dressed guys ever. Yeah. But in a lovable way that makes it work, kind of like, what's his name, who owns the Dallas Mavericks? Oh, Mark Cuban? I'm a billionaire. Yeah, we love dress like an asshole just because I'm a billionaire and suck my dick. What are you going to do? I once cornered Mark Cuban to pitch. In the paint or in the elevator at WME? I somehow snuck into the Billboard Music Awards. Wait, last night? No, no, this was years ago to pitch. So I really think celebrity Shark Tank would be so funny. Like the celebrities are the judges or they're pitching products? No, the celebrities are pitching ideas they have. Like I feel like every celebrity has like one kind of like idea they're convinced would be a good business. So Gwyneth Paltrow is like, I got an idea for a website about stuff and it was Goop. And you're like, okay, that actually works. And then everyone else who's a celebrity is like, okay, so do you have any examples or do you have a pitch that, you know?

Pretend I'm Mark. Yeah, no, I mean, like, for me to pitch? Yeah, no, I have a business idea where, like, I hate camping. So my business idea is you go camping with friends, you experience the whole fun part of camping, you go hiking, you, like, build a fire, you make s'mores, and then when you get into your tent and you're about to fall asleep, one of my employees will open the tent, shoot you in the neck with a tranquilizer dart. And then bring you back to your house so you wake up in your own bed in the morning. You don't have to wake up in the dirt. I hate camping too. Jason, do you want to invest in this? We can go in and out together. You just named all the good parts about camping, but the bad part is when you wake up in the morning and you're like... Oh, it's a new day and you're like, oh, fuck, I'm inside of a tent right now. You're like sore. Everything's wet. Especially the way you prioritize shitting. That's got to be an ultimate nightmare. But I mean, just the showering. Yeah, exactly. How am I going to start a fire? I think it's a beautiful idea. Is there is there a name for it or we're still working title? Someone recommend I forget where I talked about this, but someone pitched kidnapping. Because you're basically getting kidnapped from the camping experience. No, no, no. There's something there. And so, yeah. And then I would hope that Mr. Wonderful's into it or... Part of me thinks that Soldier Boy should be the celebrity judge for this because he has so many businesses. He's a small business owner of a different level. That's what I was saying about Ray J and the Raycons. He's got scooters and headphones. Him and Soldier Boy head-to-head, honestly. I want to know who's got more LLCs in Los Angeles. Who's got more Wish.com products? No, actually, a friend of mine, sort of as a goof, and because it was so affordable, he purchased the Soulja Boy iPhone. Or no, the Soulja Boy Apple Watch. Yeah. Or the Soulja Watch, or whatever it is. The Soulja Watch. It's basically an Apple Watch that costs like...

$19, you know, like it's, it's clearly just a piece of junk. Right. And, and he ordered it and it just straight up never came. It was just a full, just money stealing scam. And I feel like a couple people I know did this with different products and none of them came is my point. Right. And then you tried to, you tried to email soldier boy and he replied back, like, I'm not in charge of that. Like, leave me alone. You have to, you can only talk to him in the, in the chat rooms on call of duty. That's, that's kind of where his customer. customer service goes down. But I think the only people who are actually buying those things are, you know, like people who have a little bit of disposable income who work at like a creative agency who are like, yeah, I know this watch is never going to come. It's just funny to like pass the time. I tried to buy a, I actually had a very similar experience. I tried to buy, um, A sampler pack of Trick Daddy's barbecue rubs. Sure. And those never came. I definitely spent like $30 off of PayPal to get his barbecue spices. They never showed up. I mean, it's pretty cool. It's pretty cool that these guys could make at least low thousands, maybe six figures. on stuff that they have no intention of making or shipping. Yeah, the product never existed physically. I'm in my TV room, and the only thing I could bring myself to buy at the OVO store when I was in Canada were these ugly coasters. So for listeners at home, is it a leather coaster? They're like rubber with like a leather look to them, yeah. You're lucky I'm not wearing. I have some great OVO mechanics gloves. that I wear to run in the winter, and also I could kill somebody and not leave prints. Oh, nice. He can do anything except use the mechanic's gloves to do anything mechanical, basically. I'm not a fucking grip, bro. I'm not a member of the union, Joe knows. You're not a best boy. No, I'm not. I'm really not. But I'm glad you brought home a souvenir, though. That's nice. I'm sure your wife loves those. Oh, yeah. The new thing is my MFT collection, which are...

I'm listening, Joe. They're Mandy fungible tokens, and I found a guy who laser engraves these brass tokens with my face on them. I have hundreds strewn around our house. This is real. Yeah, this is real. They're also on my website. Just don't ask me about shipping costs. So they're a great investment. You made a physical token with your face on it, and you put them all over the house just to remind your wife how annoying you are, kind of? No, it's like I'm just disorganized. I'm trying to get them together when I go on tour and stuff. It's the only merch I bring on tour at this point. Just bags of coins. Bags of coins with little certificates of authenticity. Authenticity, of course. What's the street value of an MFT right now? I know the market has kind of been dipping in the last couple weeks. Yeah, it fluctuates. It fluctuates, but weirdly, for the last three weeks, it's held steady at $10 per coin. That's not moved. That's better than a lot of other coins that were so-called stable, right? Yeah. It's the most stable coin I can think of right now. All right, Joe. Well, thank you for taking the time to pod with us and sharing all of your merchandise items. I think we're kind of brothers in arms in the world of merchandise. It's funny. As I was talking about exhausting my wife, you're like, yeah, anyway, it's good to talk to you. I'm exhausted both of you, too. Joe, I just have to take a nap. I am just spent. I get it. No, we podcast for an hour every time and an hour ran up, but truly a treat. Well, I'm very happy you guys asked me to do it because I don't think your listeners will be disappointed. I've often been told I'm sort of the 5-0 foreign of comedy. Yeah. Good to know. I've, I've read that a few places, but hearing it out of your mouth, it hits home a little more. No. Uh, thank you for joining us, Joe. Are you on tour soon? What do you got going on? Yeah, I'm on tour. Uh, uh, come check me out. I'm going to be in the Pacific Northwest soon, the East coast soon. Okay, great. Uh, yeah, I'll come check you out. I'd love to come check you out in Portland on a Tuesday. That sounds great. And then you're also on HBO's hacks season two available now. HBO's hack. Any other, uh, any other large or small screen appearances coming up this year? Uh,

Yeah, I just did a little thing for History of the World Part 2. Nick Kroll's bringing back the Mel Brooks. Oh, really? I think that's going to be on Hulu. Yeah, it's going to be very funny. Feel old yet, Joe? Well, thank you for doing that. Is there a style of music that you'd like to be played out? Not an artist or a song specifically, but just a genre. Well, I love that you guys have a Brooks and Dunn reference as your title. Oh, wow. Okay. We got a fan. Like you said, I'm not going to name a specific thing, but if my Maria came up, I wouldn't be mad. Some legacy country. All right. Yeah. All praise be to Reboot, Garth, all those guys. All right. You're a real straight shooter. Shooter, Joe. I like you. All right, Chief. Thank you so much. We appreciate you doing this. Thanks, Joe. Have a blessed Tuesday. We'll talk to you soon, bro. Yeah, thank you. Just humanize the badge, please. Later. Thanks. Grainger knows when you're a procurement manager for an office park, you're not managing one building. You're managing all of them. And to stay ahead, you need to see through walls and around corners. Lights about to fail, filters ready to clog, HVAC on its last leg. If you wait until something breaks, you're already behind. Count on Grainger for quality products, easy reordering, and 24-7 support. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done.